After i posted last night i had forgotten to put in what i was wearing, because i always write that in last because of the detail, so i will put in now what i was wearing yesterday.

I was wearing a white Florence and Fred bra from Tescos, size 38D, 100% cotton, it does up with 2 hooks at the back, has a ¾ cup, with a ½ inch shoulder strap each side, gives me just a bit of cleavage. The panties are the same make, also 100% cotton, size 14-16, bought at the same time as the bra. i was wearing a black pinstriped skirt, made by George and bought in Asda, it is 99% polyester and 1% viscose, it comes down to just below the knee and is a size 14. i had a white Editions top on, which is 100% cotton, size 16. It has a low V at the front and back which has a lacy pattern round it and the pattern is also around the bottom.

Now that is done i will get on with what i did after i posted last night.

At 7.37 last night i wrote Master an email, it was the hardest email i have ever had to write, and i was crying the whole time i was writing it. i will put the whole email here instead of just putting excerpts.

“Master

i’m sorry but You are going to be angry when You read this email.

i try and do everything You want me to do, even how i felt yesterday i still managed to make that video for You, but i just can’t get my head together about me being a submissive for You. i still don’t believe that i will ever be a true sub, it’s just not who i really am, i know You tell me this is what i am, but i’m not and never will be.

You said that i could walk away, so now that is what i’m going to do. i don’t care about the consequences, i’m just not cut out for this.

i’m sorry but i want a proper relationship where i can hold hands and have cuddles with a guy. It hurts me deep inside when i see vanilla couples and that is obviously what i am, vanilla, and always will be. That doesn’t mean i’m going to go back to my old ways and screw around because

i’m not You’ve changed how i feel about myself and i’m worth more than being just a fuck thing for anyone. i was Your slut, i’m not going to be anybody else’s.

i have tried being what You wanted me to be but can’t be that person.

i’m not doing this so that You’ll give me another chance because i don’t want any more chances, i no longer want to be what i’m not, and that is a sub.

Please believe me when i say i’m sorry because i am truly sorry, i didn’t want to do this but i’ve got to, for myself.

You keep saying there are plenty of sluts out there so You should be able to find another to replace me, You are a good and fair Master, You have always been lenient with me and i have appreciated that.

i will send You a cheque for the web cam, if You tell me the price.”

So now you know how i feel, i loved the idea of having a Master and loved the idea of being collared one day, and even having my nipples and hood pierced, but as you can see it wasn’t the lifestyle i thought i wanted. Saying that i think i always knew that it wasn’t for me, from the very beginning it was Master who told me it was what i needed. But i had to be strong and tell Him how i really felt.

20.12 went in to the bedroom, sat on the bed, put the telly on and watched football. At half time i got ready for bed, then watched the second half and then the news, and set my mobile phone alarm for 7.00 in the morning.

At 10.20 i settled down to go to sleep. The funny thing is i tried masturbating, and couldn’t even get aroused, i’m so used to only doing that when Master said, that i couldn’t do it, i think it’s going to take a while to get Master out of my head, because He was good at that. It didn’t take Him long at all to get in to my head but i think longer for me to get Him out.

Thursday 15th May.
i woke up at 6.09, sat up in bed and put the telly on, to watch the news hour, i turned on my mobile phone and turned the alarm off as i wouldn’t be needing it as i was awake.
6.17 got out of bed put my dressing gown on and went to the bathroom to use the toilet for a wee. Then went in to my office to check my emails, i had one from Master. Which read,

“Thank you for that girl.

The web cam was £

My home addy is;

I am very sorry that you have done this.

Master Paul.“

6.30 i decided that i would finish putting my video on skydrive for Master as i made it when i was still his submissive so it’s only fair i finish the job i started.

i wrote all of the above this morning, and as i wrote it tears were streaming down my face, I feel so empty inside, why do i feel like this? i got what i wanted, my freedom. i am no longer Masters sub and can go about my vanilla life.

i sat and read this over and over again, until 7.25 when i went downstairs and made the usual 2 teas and took my sons up, then went into the bathroom got washed, washed my hair, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. Then in to the bedroom to get dressed, as it’s going to be colder today i decided to wear trousers. So i put on a white Closest bra size 38D, 100% cotton that does up with 2 hooks at the back and has ¼ inch straps, black Florence and Fred pinstriped trousers, size 14, 93% polyester and 7% viscose and a black Atmosphere top size 16,made of 50% cotton and 50% modal, that has a tie round the neck that hangs down to below my waist, which is black with orange, pink and blue little stars on it. What a surprise i didn’t put panties on, and i wore my heels again. I also wore a denim jacket as it was cold out.

i went downstairs and put the telly on to watch GMTV while i waited for my son to get up, i eventually left the house at 8.34 and arrived at college at 8.50.

i went to the staff room, put my bag down under Brians desk, but kept my denim jacket on as it was cold. I picked up my mug from Brians desk and went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. Then i went back to staff room and sat down in a chair next to Brian, i couldn’t check for emails at college as the internet was down, so all we could get was internal emails, so i checked those. After i checked those one of the other technicians came in to see Brian, as he wanted a male to female video cable, Brian gave me the keys to our workshop and asked me to get one, which i did, then went back to sit down again.

For the rest of the morning me and Brian were designing and printing out tick sheets for the assessment, which is next Wednesday. i did take my jacket of at some point during this.

12.00 stopped for lunch, i had to go to the canteen for my lunch as i hadn’t taken in my sandwich today, my mind wasn’t focused this morning, so i had forgotten to make one. i had chicken with a very small portion of chips and gravy, followed by syrup sponge pudding and custard, i ate that then at 12.20 i went back down to the kitchen where Brian was eating his lunch. when he’d finished his lunch we went out to the car park and got into his car where we sit every lunch time so that we’re out of the way and can relax. Brian plays a game on his PDA while i do my Sudoku puzzles.

We went back in at 1.20, i printed out a list of the students taking the assessment, because we can only do 10 at a time and there are 30 students taking it, so we were going to decide which 10 were going to take it next week, but then Brian got asked to teach and he wanted me to get some software for a network printer off of the college network ready for the morning, while i was doing that one of the tutors said that the internet was back on so i checked my emails, then sent one to Master, saying that i would send a check as soon as i could, and thanked Him for everything, and told Him that i would post this blog but it would probably be my last as it is a submissive blog and as i’m no longer a sub i couldn’t see the point in posting anymore. Why is it that every time i have thought of Master today tears have welled up in my eyes. Am i doing the right thing? Once i’d done that, i went to ask Brian what he wanted me to do next and he had me typing in router commands while he was up the front of the class explaining what each command meant.

This lesson finished at 4.00 i went outside with Debbie (another tutor) for a cigarette, the security guard, Kenny, came out to join us and he was joking about as he usually does and i told him that i’d got a web cam and he joked about me having whips and bondage gear and BDSM, he’s always joking like that. when he walked away i burst into tears ,a couple of the female tutors had commented on me being down today, and Debbie asked me what was wrong, so i told her it was something personal and i couldn’t discuss it really.

we went back inside college and into the class room where i was before, it was empty now and Debbie followed me in and told me that i could talk to her about anything, so she asked me again as she could see how upset i was, what was wrong so i explained about Master and my email and that i should be fine because it was what i wanted. She didn’t understand because she said i could go back to Him and i explained that i couldn’t, not anymore. Because i had made it clear that i didn’t want to be a submissive. She had to leave because she was teaching and i stayed in there on my own, which is what i wanted, just to be left alone.

4.30 checked my emails again, had one from Master ,i will always know Him as Master, it said, Thank you girl. You will be missed. Take good care of your self. Best wishes Paul. Which made me cry again because He used His name, which made it final, no more Master.

After i read that one i just read His others which i had kept in my inbox, all over again, it wasn’t easy reading them with tears running down my face.

What have i done? Have i done the right thing?

i left college at 5.00 and my son brought me home and i came straight up to my office to write this, probably, my very last post, and i’m still crying now. i’m now going to post it. i don’t even know if Master will read it.